Hi Motherhood! It’s me, Chloe.

“You’re pregnant,” said the physician’s assistant at the OBGYN. “I’m what?”, I asked as a wave of heat came over my body. “Have you been using protection? Are you on birth control? Then you know why,” she explained. As right as she was, it didn’t stop me from instantly getting angry before I almost fainted.

Once I settled down, and told my boyfriend and mom, a feeling of calm came over me and I thought, “I can do this. If anyone can do this, I can.” As I was walking to my car, it was very ironic because I came to this appointment alone but for the next nine months I would be far from lonely. I had a life growing inside of me that constantly reminded me  that she was with me through morning sickness, kicks and constant cravings.

While I was pregnant, I bought my first house and started remodeling. This included being a project manager, picking out paint and flooring, and even helping with things I wasn’t supposed to, according to old wife’s tales, like reaching to putting up shelves two weeks before my due date. They say it can cause the umbilical cord to wrap around the babies neck. Note: There may be some truth to that because I went into labor the night I put shelves up in my closet. It was all very stressful but exciting because through all of that I knew I would soon have a sweet baby girl in my new home.  

After being in labor for almost 48 hours, she was here, weighing 6 pounds 2 ounces. After being released from the hospital I felt so drained. The next couple of days after were a blur. All I can remember is a little baby constantly screaming at me because she’s hungry and I don’t have enough milk to give her.

There was a lot of excitement around her being here and through everything I wasn’t happy and I couldn’t figure out why. My mom came to help me with the baby after she was born. Thank god for her and my sister because my boyfriend had to return to work almost immediately after. One night I was pumping on the toilet, sobbing and my mom came in. “You have the baby blues,” she said or what medical professionals call postpartum depression.

My mom was all too familiar with this because she experienced it too after moving from home and having my sister at 19. Over the next few months, I would experience ups and downs like I never had before. I have depression and anxiety but this was different. This was worse than it’s ever been. I was moody, sad, uncomfortable and I just wanted to enjoy my time with my little girl before I went back to work.  

My sister, boyfriend and mom constantly reminded me to get out and get some fresh air. This was helpful but I needed more assistance getting back to the old me (or the new mommy version) because as soon as I stepped back inside I was anxiety ridden and unhappy. People warn you about postpartum depression and the dangers that come along with it but you don’t know how it feels until you experience it because everyone’s experience is so different. It’s not always wanting to harm yourself or the baby. It could be not feeling good enough.

I contacted my therapist and she referred me to a psychologist next to my OBGYN who specialized in postpartum depression. After a series of questions about how I’d been feeling and how much support I had, she confirmed that everything that I was feeling was normal.

It took some time but after seeing her and my therapist for several sessions as well as taking my medication, I finally felt like myself again. I started going to Burn Boot Camp by my house and I started losing weight which made me even happier. The classes, a new diet, face masks and couple nights out had me feeling like a new woman and I was. I was no longer a young professional who could go out anytime she pleased. I am a mother.

Fast forward to over a year later and I’m a mom to a beautiful seven-month-old. She is kind, smart and feisty. I see so much of my family’s best qualities in her. I know you’re probably thinking that it’s hard to notice that in an infant, but Corinne is different. She’s turned me into the best version of myself. I’ve become more selfless, patient and understanding especially when it comes to her. Motherhood is overwhelming on top of being young, a marketing professional, a sister, a friend and a black WOMAN. However, I wouldn’t change anything. It’s who I am now.