I had my heart broken for the first time at fifteen years old. I still do. The only reason I’m not upset about it is because of the “LOVE” parts that happen in between.
It all started with stealing vodka from parents. Not mine. Just my friends whose parents were out trying to make the rent, or were too wrapped up in their own problems to notice how it was affecting their children. My parents love me, a lot, but they had raised two other daughters, and were growing apathetic in the “overly protective parent department”. Sometimes I wish they were harder on me, and took my defiances as a cry for help. I often think about who I’d be today.
Stolen alcohol, someone’s older sibling getting it while we waited in front of the ABC store, however it was procured it provided weekends full of foggy memories at someone’s house who had parents that were never home, or were around but just didn’t care.
I had my first therapist at sixteen years old. I liked her because she made me feel grown up and I think every sixteen year old girl just wants to be treated like an adult. She told me that “we teach people how to treat us.” That still resonates with me today. All I needed was that one person who saw me, not as someone crying for attention, but someone who had realized that the love of other people is not enough.
Unfortunately it’s harder to love yourself than people make it seem. Especially at sixteen.
The second time my heart was broken I was 22 years old. He was abusive and toxic and sought to make me doubt myself at every turn. The only time he would encourage me was in ways that would bring me closer to him. He constantly told me that no one would love me the way he did, but that was not love. It wasn’t even close.
After that I knew it was time to take a break from love and rebuild. When I decided to start loving myself just as much as I loved under tattooed mamas boys or (over tattooed mamas boys), I found the only person whom me loving would actually help. ME. I stopped chemically straightening my hair, stopped caring what simple minded people thought of me and fed my mind with healthy imagery and things that made me feel beautiful. Even more importantly, I started learning to say no when I was tired and seriously needed the rest rather than 6 shots of tequila. Most of all, I started to
actually live by the quotes I repost around the Internet. My personal favorite right now goes:
“Don’t surround yourself with toxic people just because you’re bored. You wouldn’t drink poison because you you’re thirsty.”
The point I’m trying to make is that the more you know and care for your heart, the harder it is to break. Self love is the first step to guarding your heart in the most healthy of ways. Everyday I struggle with my mental and physical health. I struggle with my sobriety, love life, school, and decision my decision making. I don’t always make the right decisions, but I am learning to enjoy the my youth and living in the present.
I am not perfect. It doesn’t exist.
I am not always happy, because neither does that.
But I am grateful for who I am becoming, and for the people who support me.
